historybooksforgot:

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Nine months together. That’s all it’s taken for me to become perfectly pathetic when faced with a night of sleeping in solitude. In such a short time I have grown accustomed to sleeping with a warm body next to mine and receiving good night kisses before I close my eyes for the night.

Every time that I find myself in the sorry plight of spending a night alone, the lost and lonely feeling that comes over me is comparable to the childhood nervousness of being left with a babysitter or the confusion I felt when my mother told me that I was getting too old to be tucked in at night. I can’t even manage to hide my anxiety that occurs with separation.

As embarrassing as it is, thankfully for me my boyfriend is kind enough to leave one of his shirts on my bed and a nearly empty bottle of his cologne with me. It helps sooth me by tricking my sense of smell into thinking that I’m not alone. But even though my nose is satisfied, my other senses are not as easily fooled. I can’t feel his body heat or hear his steady breath. My pillows do not make adequate cuddling partners; so for me, it is to be a restless night. Verily.

I’m so excited about life. There’s only around six more weeks left until Cecil and I move in together. I can’t wait. I’m so looking forward to not having to sleep alone at night, to see him and Samson, our dog, every day. Out of all my friends, I never thought that I would be the first to move in with a boyfriend. I’ve always been fairly independent and proud of my independence. But I don’t think that moving in with Cecil is going against that; we are just being independent together.

I love where I’m at right now. I love my boyfriend, school, and my job. This summer I asked for every Monday off and to be honest by the time Tuesday finally gets here I look forward to going back; my work makes me happy.

I used to think that one class was my favorite and I would get slightly bummed when I didn’t work with them. But this summer I’ve been working in a mix of classrooms and while I still favor one or two classes over others I’ve learned that each class could be a favorite if I let it be. Kids make me smile so much; it’s definitely worth some of the grosser aspects such as potty training and getting peed on every once and awhile when I forget which boys sit or stand.

This is probably the most active summer I’ve had since grade school. I’ve been working, mowing, swimming, reading, knitting, running, fishing, frisbee-ing, paddling, bike riding, nearly everything that there is to do. This year I’m actually tan and I can’t remember the last time that’s happened. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone at school again and to move but I don’t want summer and my free time to disappear.

To be honest I’m kind of nervous to go back to school. I don’t want to be shy anymore. I’m glad that I started to work through some of the thoughts that hold me back this year but I still have a long ways to go. I’m hoping now that I’m aware of it now and take my medicine like I’m supposed to that I will be significantly less awkward and actually make some more friends.

I know that when Cecil comes up he’ll be making friends and wanting to do things with them. I’m nervous that I won’t make any of my own in time and be left at home alone. I don’t want to solely socialize with Cecil’s friends forever. I’m sure it’ll all work out though. Right now I’m happy about everything and I’m trying not to worry about what the future may hold.

Ayn Rand. I wish she had written more in her lifetime.

— Betsey Johnson

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